If You Want to Support Autistic People, Please Start By Listening to Autistic People

We need to talk, guys. This pandemic has made me re-evaluate almost everything- and there’s something I need to let you in on that I can’t be silent about anymore. It’s big and I’m not done learning about it but I also can’t wait until I feel like I’m “done” learning to start talking about it. Because April is basically here and when you start posting “autism awareness” puzzle pieces, I’m gonna have a fit.

Before I even start talking about “it,” I need to state how important it is to not just include, but hold paramount, the perspectives of people you are making policies about, making treatment plans for, and/or making awareness campaigns for. Also – when people of whatever community/affiliation/culture/identity/etc ask that you refer to them a certain way, you must listen to them. Why wouldn’t you? If you claim to want to support/help a group of people, I would think you’d care about what they have to say and honor their preferences when it comes to what to call them.

So, when you want to participate in April’s “Autism Awareness Month,” I implore you to please seek out and listen to the perspectives of autistic people first. I say “autistic people” because, from the many accounts I have read/encountered, the majority of autistic people prefer “identity-first language.” If you’re someone who works with autistic people, you may have been taught to use “person first” language and say “person with autism” or “person on the spectrum.” This “person first” language comes from the 80’s campaigns to destigmatize people suffering from AIDS- to separate them from their diagnosis. Other examples of “person-first” language- person with diabetes, person with cancer, person with arthritis. Because it would be jarring to be referred to as a “diabetic person,” a “cancerous person” or an “arthritic person.” Diabetes, cancer and arthritis are diseases people suffer from.** Person-first language implies a condition for which a cure is needed/desired.  Autistic people see autism as part of their identity. Autism is not something to be cured. You wouldn’t refer to a gay person as a “person with homosexuality” unless you think there’s something wrong with homosexuality (which you don’t right? Don’t be an ignorant ass, please. If you’ve gotten this far, you must be part of the choir to which I’m preaching, yes?).   

April has been “Autism Awareness Month” since the 1970’s. You will recognize the puzzle piece symbol and also possibly remember the “Light it Up Blue” thing where they put blue lights on buildings at night to “increase awareness.” The Autism Society claims the puzzle-piece ribbon as their trademark and the creation of Autism Awareness Month. The autistic community has MANY things to say about April. The first of which is that it, at the very least, needs to be renamed “Autism ACCEPTANCE Month.” The push for this on social media has been so strong that the actual Autism Society that came up with the whole idea has released a statement that they’re renaming the month. They’re asking you to take the note. “Awareness,” like person-first language, implies a problem-to-be-solved- a disease-to-be-cured, an undesirable/unacceptable condition. “Acceptance” implies something you make accommodations for. “Acceptance” implies we see our fellow humans’ differences as just that- differences, not symptoms to be eliminated. “Acceptance” also means we see differences we can celebrate and value as a community.

I have a lot more to say about this and I’m planning on writing more- but I wanted to get at least this part out there before April hits. Please, please, please, if you do nothing else for Autism Acceptance Month, search any of the socials for the hashtag #actuallyautistic and wait for your mind to be blown wide open. This is a marginalized community of people that is on the verge of what I think will be a gigantic revolution. If you have more time and want to educate yourself about this perspective, check out these websites:

Autistic Self-Advocacy Network: https://autisticadvocacy.org/

Neuroclastic: The Autism Spectrum According To Autistic People: https://neuroclastic.com/

Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism: http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/

**EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that diabetes is not a condition that has a cure- and there is an emotional toll that comes with the general society thinking it’s a condition which was brought on by one’s behavior and something that can be eradicated. The question of whether to use person-first or identity/condition/diagnosis-first language when referring to diabetic people / people with diabetes is a subject of debate among those that have it. As a universal rule, you should use whatever language a person prefers to refer to themselves no matter what. This post is about the message I’ve received from the online autistic community to use identity-first language as a default and only switch if the person in question asks you to do so.


a coronavirus meal plan – and other recipes I’ve recently discovered and loved

Spaghetti with bolognese sauce is my favorite meal. I could eat it several times a week and not get sick of it. My go-to recipe for it at the moment is Martha Stewart’s. I’ve made this with all ground beef and also with ground turkey (because you gotta be flexible when the store’s just randomly out of one of those things…) and all versions of it have been delicious. I’ve also liked doing the America’s Test Kitchen recipe which takes 4+ hours… but it’s also delicious and kind of fun to have a pot on the stove you get to taste all day while you clean your apartment. I must have done that before I had my 2nd kid… anyway… 


The Martha Stewart recipe makes a big pot and enough for another meal’s worth of leftovers (after feeding a family of 3.5) which you can easily freeze and/or use for another recipe like these awesome lasagna-stuffed peppers. The stuffed pepper recipe is great for anybody who’s not doing carbs or has other issues with pasta- but it’s also heavenly with pasta. It cooks the peppers perfectly and, bonus, it also looks fancy. I’ll make it for you when you come over after coronavirus is gone in like 2-10 years. What month is it? 


Another thing I might serve you is shrimp over broccoli (or pasta if you do that) with this Keto alfredo sauce. Holy crap it’s delicious… I stumbled upon this recipe when I had planned to buy ready-made alfredo sauce and the grocery store was out of EVERY SINGLE BRAND of it. Where are the alfredo-hoarders at? 


The menu plan this week doesn’t include alfredo, bolognese or lasagna peppers, but I’m going to share it anyway because that’s what I feel like doing! 


Here’s my current menu plan:  


Thursday: Thyme Garlic Pork Chops  (grocery store was out of rosemary like the recipe calls for)+ Greek Salad (halved cherry tomatoes, chopped cucumber, feta cheese, red wine vinegar, olive oil, salt + pepper). We had this last night with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and it was ridiculously good. This was so easy and will probably be my go-to method of cooking pork chops from now on. 


Friday: Salsa Chicken (Chicken in the instant pot with broth, taco seasoning and salsa then shredded, served over sliced avocados with sour cream and lime juice) + frozen brussel sprouts dressed with butter, garlic salt and red wine vinegar 


Saturday: Balsamic Pot Roast + mashed potatoes / froz mashed cauliflower + roasted asparagus- This instant pot recipe is very easy and very yummy


Sunday: Shredded Chicken Tacos / Taco Salad (using leftovers from Friday dinner)


Monday: Marinated thin-sliced chicken over spinach salad – I will most likely use the Italian Herbs marinade from this website


Have you discovered any new recipes or kitchen hacks while on lockdown? 


Scrolling through Instagram for the thousandth time today, I see that the New Yorker posted this article from 2019 titled “CAN BULLET JOURNALING SAVE YOU?” If you needed an example of how things have changed since September 2019 and the problems you might have had then that could be SAVED BY BULLET JOURNALING- here you go. I don’t know why they posted this today when people are asking, oh I don’t know “What can save me from a global pandemic?” BULLET JOURNALING “What can save me from an evil dictator in the White House flushing the country down the crapper?” BULLET JOURNALING “What can save me from institutional racism?” BULLET JOURNALING. “What can save my child from regressing academically and socially while schools are closed?” BULLET JOURNALING. 

These were the thoughts in my head when I decided to go ahead and make hummingbird food again. The feeders have been sticky and moldy for probably at least a month now- the hummingbirds still come around to check whether I’ve gotten my shit together yet and are disappointed every day. So I go to turn on the microwave to heat up the water and turn it off immediately- because Michael has his air conditioning on and running both at the same time MAKES THE POWER GO OUT. I put a kettle on. As I’m waiting for the water to heat up, I see that there’s a packet of hot chocolate mix left on the counter from yesterday when the 6 year old asked to make ice pops because Sid the Science Kid’s parents had time to do that with him and all we had to make ice pops was hot chocolate. I pick up the packet and it’s all wet. I don’t know why. I smell it… doesn’t smell like anything so I’m assuming it’s only water. I go to throw it away and stop because HEY I PUT THE KETTLE ON. I read the directions on the packet and see that it instructs me to add 6 oz of hot water which is ONLY ⅔ of a CUP and that is EXACTLY WHY YOU GREW UP WITH FLAVORLESS HOT CHOCOLATE. Because your mom thought there was enough hot chocolate mix to fill up a regular mug. Who drinks ⅔ of a cup of hot chocolate? NO ONE. Maybe babies. But they won’t because IT WILL FOREVER BE TOO HOT so why bother. 

 My husband walks into the room and as I was explaining all of these things to him, he asked me if I needed to go to the hospital. Because I was laughing and crying at the same time I guess. 

I am taking my car to get an oil change today which will mean that I might also get to pick up coffee at the nearby coffee shop where I remember typing out my musings onto my Chromebook to post on my blog which I haven’t posted anything on in a year. Why? Because this is the kind of stuff my head is producing. And I think maybe it’s not the greatest idea to throw up whatever my thoughts are onto the internet- even though I think I also believed that that’s actually how my favorite writers write. David Sedaris made this video about how you should consider keeping a diary but also “not sharing” so I kept a diary for a while on my Chromebook and didn’t share it and I gave that up too… I think the audience (even if it’s an imagined audience or a very remote potential audience) is motivating to me. Or it’s not. Writing about not writing is the most boring subject ever so I digress from this post that is nothing but a digression. 

ANYWAYZ: My husband has also started a blog about the random quarantine road trips we’ve been doing and has just been spending hours on his computer WRITING ON HIS BLOG. THE NERVE. HE’S JUST WRITING A BLOG. Which I proofread. WTH? I’M THE BLOG LADY! Maybe bullet journaling can save me.

a real-person meal plan

Here’s my actual meal plan for this week:

Friday (last night): Rotisserie Chicken + Salad (from a tub) w/ chopped cucumber and radish with homemade ranch dressing + strawberries and cherries.

Saturday: Bolognese sauce from America’s Test Kitchen *& spaghetti + Salad (from the tub) w/ chopped cucumber and radish with the same batch of ranch dressing

*(I will be making a double-batch and freezing half of it. This recipe takes 4 hours to make but it’s my favorite thing pretty much ever and has ruined meat sauce for me at most restaurants…)

Sunday: Chicken Parmesan (trying this keto recipe for the first time- no idea if it will be good or if it will work at all, fingers crossed) + steamed broccoli *using spaghetti sauce from Saturday’s recipe to top the chicken parm

Monday: Gazpacho w/ a cheese plate. The internet tells me a cheese plate is an acceptable summer dinner plan so I’m going with it. Ours will be salami, cheddar, havarti (I will be cutting presliced slices into 4’s) roasted almonds and ciabatta bread

Tuesday: Garlic-Lemon Tilapia (trying this recipe) + salad (from the tub and dressing if there is any left- otherwise we’ll use olive oil/vinegar)

Wednesday: Chicken (trying this recipe- don’t know how it will be) + brussel sprouts with bacon

Thursday: (or another day we’ll swap out) We’ll probably be out on a day trip so dinner will be out.


And here’s my commentary:

I’m putting my commentary AFTER my content because I’ve been so frustrated sifting through recipes on the internet and having to wade through all their pop-up ads and stories about their dogs just to get to the ingredients list. I’ve toyed with the idea of actually printing out recipes like it was the early 2000’s- it’s gotten that bad.

This meal plan above took me like 2 hours. I don’t feel good admitting that. I get so frustrated with how much time and mental energy it requires to come up with meal plans every week. My husband’s on keto so everything I do has to at least have a no-carb option (he’s eating a bowl of the sauce w/ cheese for the bolognese night…).  Keto eliminates most casseroles, all pasta dishes, and most soup (he can’t eat carrots… or beans… it’s ridiculous). We get very bored with the same thing over and over again. I’ve been especially frustrated with cooking large amounts of meat just to have them be kind of bland and dry and then we have to eat them for leftovers later? We get so bored we end up getting take-out instead and that defeats the entire purpose of meal planning.

What I’d really love is a place where actual people- not chefs or food-bloggers or whatever- post their actual meal plans. I’ve looked for this on the internet, and of course, the chefs and food bloggers and whatever have optimized themselves to be at the top of search results for “meal plans by actual people” so I just get more food bloggers. But pretty much EVERYONE meal plans… you ALL have to eat something and you have been succeeding in feeding yourself somehow. I want to know how you do it- especially if you’re very happy with how you’re doing it.

So I’m throwing up a Facebook page. I’m keeping that wording because that’s all the energy I have at the moment: Actual Meal Plans that Actual People Use. Please join it and share your knowledge with us. You can always also post comments here.



Day trip to Gardena / Torrance CA

I believe the Triple-T Teahouse in Gardena pays for Instagram ads… I think that’s how I encountered them… but I still think it’s impressive that I followed them just because I wanted to see more plates of noodles. OMG the noodles. I couldn’t take it anymore and I planned an entire day trip around these noodles. It was an excellent day trip so I’m doing a blog post about it. Triple-T, your Instagram marketing worked. Good job.

So first, we went to this memorial fountain for JFK which has been in Torrance since just after he died. Is it me or do you think maybe the designer might have had an issue w/ JFK’s politics?


I mean… it’s a giant potty. That’s what my son said, anyway. It’s referred to on the internet as the “JFK Toilet Bowl Memorial.” Worthy of a detour, I must say. It’s at the corner of Cabrillo and Sartori Avenue in Torrance.

Next stop was the Southern California Live Steamers in Charles Wilson Park. I just happened to look up “stuff to do near Gardena” and was lucky enough to find that these teeny trains run on the first Sunday of the month from 11am-3pm (bingo!). They also run the 3rd Saturday of each month from 12-3pm, fyi. The park itself has a ton to do… batting cages and some kind of roller arena… a splash pad, a tree house structure and a pretty epic playground. And then there’s the trains:

It’s not the most comfortable ride in the world. If you have knee or back or balance problems, you should sit this one out. If you’re good on those though, you straddle the trains like they’re horses and enjoy the ride which is a good… 6-8 minutes? They ask for a $1.00 donation per person per ride which makes multiple rides very possible. We rode 3 times total. The crowd was minimal to nil which made the wait time bearable. We waited mostly for the trains to come back since you get such a generous ride. The tracks take you through a tunnel and little miniature houses / scenes in various states of repair and scale (like the tiny bed and breakfast covered in nasturtiums pictured below). The place was filled with wildflowers and butterflies- mostly under the cover of trees so you’re not out in the sun the whole time. It was lovely.


The tracks go out farther into the park even but I guess, on this particular day, the tracks out of the garden had been damaged and weren’t being used.

We were hungry so it was time for noodles.


When you’re short, the angel wings come out of your head… Anyway. The Triple-T Teahouse is in a little strip mall with a very convenient parking lot. The inside is made for Instagrammers (I’d already taken the bait…). We ordered soup (which came in a bowl bigger than my head) and the garlic shrimp noodles. We easily could have shared one of those things… each item was under $10. I got rose-flavored milk tea and let my son go nuts on a milkshake bc I wanted to see it in person. I mean look at that thing:

Epic. This place was worth the drive alone and I’m going back as soon as possible. The Triple-T is located at 15703 Crenshaw Blvd, Gardena, CA 90249.

I couldn’t possibly imagine cramming anything else into my stomach, but we drove to this anyway:


I can’t tell you how the donuts are since we just came for the picture. It’s a jankier-looking version of Randy’s but fun nonetheless. The Donut King II is located at 15032 S Western Ave, Gardena, CA 90249. They’re cash only and they’re basically a stand- drive-thru/walk-up. I might do it if I have more time after noodles next time…

Oh what a fun day!

I eat all the rice first. Because I suck at maintenance.

A888E0DA-DA1E-47E7-8A3F-DC9FF7209D93.jpegReligious people love analogies. I remember some Mormons trying to tell me that if you nail a board to another board and only use one nail, the boards will swing round and round and won’t be stable- but if you add one more nail, the boards won’t move THEREFORE, you must have TWO religious books (the Bible and the Book of Mormon) to guide your life in order for your life to be stable or whatever. Because the logic of boards and nails is universally applicable to ALL THINGS EVER. I remember listening to a preacher saying that eating peanuts is boring but they give you protein and energy- and that READING THE BIBLE is like that sometimes too.

I was reminded recently of a warning I got from a speaker at a Christian retreat I attended during a summer off from college. “BEWARE,” he said, “Of people who eat only one thing off their plate at a time.” Like if the meal consists of pork chops, rice and broccoli, beware of the person who eats all the rice, then all the broccoli and then all the pork chops. The correct way to eat, he told us, was to vary your bites. HERE’S WHY: If you eat all of one thing at a time, you are probably a person who can only focus on one thing in your life at a time. You have to be all done with your housework before you can do your homework. You have to be all done with reading a book before you can walk your dog. You have to be done cleaning your shower before you can order a pizza. BEWARE of These People because they WILL DRAG YOU DOWN WITH THEM.

There’s a seed of truth in it though that’s true enough to make me remember it years and years later. I’ve written about this recently- I find myself just trying to get through whatever it is I’m in at the moment so I can finally do Something I Want To Do. I think everyone struggles with keeping up all the things. #worklifebalance is a buzzword (buzzphrase?). I feel like I’m particularly bad at “keeping things up” and maintenance of anything in general- housework, paperwork, car maintenance, dental maintenance, friendship maintenance, craft maintenance, houseplant maintenance, blog maintenance- and it comes down to this eating one thing on my plate at a time. I’m the person that guy was warning you about. It’s also something I kind of actually do… I actually eat all my mashed potatoes before moving on to the salmon or whatever. I’m really bad at leaving something undone and then remembering to come back to it.

I listened to this podcast of Emma Cline (author of The Girls which I’ve read and recommend) reading and then discussing “The Metal Bowl” by Miranda July (which you should stop everything and read/watch/listen to everything she’s ever done, please). And leave it to MJ to put into words exactly how it is:

“I find this whole experience—life—gratuitously slow and drawn out. See it crawl, second by fucking second. If I’m a workaholic, it’s only because I hate work so much that I’m trying to finish it, all of it, once and for all. So I can just ride out the rest of my life in some kind of internal trance state. Not a coma but, like, a step above that.”

So I felt validated by having my hero describe my condition, but I don’t think it’s a way to live. I remember being called out by this religious guy, but I don’t remember if he offered any advice to help people who are These People. He probably didn’t. He wasn’t one of These People, apparently. Or he was one of These People and he was filled with self-hate. Equally possible. Self-hatred is a common symptom of fundamentalism.

Are you particularly good at maintenance? Is this a personality trait? Is it something you’ve cultivated? Have you converted from being one of These People to being someone who can actually keep up some things (or anythings…?)? How did you do it?  Or is this a universal problem? Does Everyone struggle with life maintenance? Please tell me in the comments!!

P.S. Dinner tonight is this recipe which is on our regular rotation:


channel your inner therapist

I’ve been doing this writing exercise off-and-on for the past two weeks and it’s been incredibly helpful- so I’m sharing it.

Like most of the awesome things I find on the internet, I got it from Joy the Baker’s “Let it Be Sunday” post. She linked to this article which outlines the writing exercise. I’m not going to go into the whole thing bc you can read it yourself, but in case you don’t want to go read it yourself, here it is in a nutshell: You make three columns. In the first one, you write down something you’re telling yourself that you suspect might be nightmare-fuel anxiety talking (I label this column “cray cray”- you can do something less judgmental). In the second column, you check your cray cray thoughts against a list of common “cognitive distortions” and identify which ones you’re doing. Then, in the third column, you reframe your crazy talk into something much more rational. Like the article says, it takes about 5 minutes. What’s great though, is that for me, it has a generalizing effect. I find myself checking the crazy talk, identifying cognitive distortions and reframing my thoughts all in my head- no writing supplies needed.

And “cognitive distortions,” in a nutshell, are common thought patterns people get into which are not productive and lead to anxiety/depression/frustration. The ones I’m usually guilty of are black/white or polarized thinking, overgeneralization or my continual parade of shoulds. I’m picturing this now as a parade of people with protest signs that all start with “You should…” like “You should stay off Facebook” and “You should read more” and “You should keep up with the dishes better” and “You should smile more” (I seriously caught myself thinking that this week- like I mansplained my effing self, really????).

The article has a good list of 10 cognitive distortions- but if you google “cognitive distortions,” you’ll find other versions of the list… or bigger lists (do we need any more? I don’t know if the list of 50 is helpful, guys).

Here’s a picture of my journal from just now making myself be okay without having to do “something productive” every single moment of my spring break:


I loovveee how simple it is- and that you can do it any time you have paper, pen and a list of cognitive distortions… Do they make a pocket-chart version of those? Perhaps a cross-stitch sampler pattern? Maybe I’ve finally found my Etsy niche……..

Note to myself: You will never have “the time”

This is a note to myself for when I am going to inevitably wish that it was 4pm, that it was the weekend, that it was spring break, that it was summer break or that it was some other time that it’s not right at this moment.

You are stressed out when you’re on vacation too. You are unsure of what is the best way to use your time at all times- regardless of what your current obligations are. Absolutely everything is temporary. You will regret not being present for the moment you’re currently living.

So- it’s unnecessary to wait for that “free” time to be present. That time will never come. There is always something occupying the time. It’s unnecessary to wait for permission- to wait until all your “work” is done- to take care of yourself, to take a deep breath, to get enough sleep, to find joy in things, to be kind, to take time for your passions, to write something on your blog, to read for pleasure, to clean your workspace, to call your friends- to do all those things you’re putting off for “when you have time.” That time will never come. There is always something occupying the time.

Here’s a picture of a contemplative fountain at the Hsi Lai Temple we visited today:

9549F82E-93E2-47A4-89E3-5355D497737AAt the moment this picture was taken, I was worried my son was going to disturb the praying women that walked up next to us… On the drive home, I decided I need to write more.

What to expect when you go to Lancaster to see the poppies.

You should go visit the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve right now. With the rest of Los Angeles, okay, but you should still go.

There will be lots of people. They will all be taking Instagram pictures. They will fill up the entire parking lot and cause traffic. It will still be worth it to go. This was something to kick off the bucket list.


Here’s my son looking at a butterfly (out of frame). Yes- there were butterflies AND poppies.


The photographic challenge becomes trying to avoid getting other people in your shot.


This is my poppy face.


BC look! It’s the poppies that are all over the promotional materials for California!


More selfies!


More poppies!


More selfies!!


An all-around excellent St. Patrick’s Day. I’ve officially broken up with winter. We’re not a a thing anymore. #checkyalater

P.S. Lots of people got out of their cars and walked/sat among the poppies outside of the reserve (so they wouldn’t be fined). Don’t be those people. I might be a tool and go on a road trip for instagram pictures- but I’m not going to trample poppies to do it. Stay on the trails, yo.

P.P.S. I would also recommend writing out directions because you might not get reception (you def won’t if you have T-Mobile) in the middle of nowhere. Also bring water.

You are making your cold 1000x worse

Do you know who Sylvia Boorstein is? I didn’t know who she was until I found her book “Happiness is an Inside Job” on a mark-down table at Powell’s City of Books when I was looking for a cheap way to chill TF out I guess. Sylvia Boorstein is the wise Jewish-Buddhist grandmother you never had. She was the gateway for me to mindfulness, meditation and how to stop making a Big Deal out of everything.

Anyway- she has a story she tells in The Courage to Be Happy (which you can purchase on Amazon on audio-CASSETTE – what even IS that?) about her teacher, Sharon Salzberg, reminding her at the end of their meetings, “Sylvia, be happy.” I was so thrilled to find Sharon Salzberg has a collection of guided meditations available on the Insight Timer app (and do you have that? What are you DOING? And PLEASE don’t say you’re paying for Headspace or Calm or any other app you have to pay for. Stop it. You’re being silly.). Anyway- Sharon Salzberg has a loving kindness meditation which is magical anyway, but it was so cool to hear her say “be happy” over and over again.

OK- so- here’s the whole point. Sharon Salzberg has been doing a month-long meditation challenge and she’s invited those doing it to blog about it on her blogging platform. But I forgot my password. And the password recovery thing sends me an email which links me back to the “forgot your password” page which sends me an email which links me back to the “forgot your password page” which- you get the point. I emailed the support team asking them if it was part of the mindfulness challenge LOL. They didn’t respond.

SO I’m blogging about it on MY blog. The most useful thing I’ve learned is how to interrupt my reactions to discomfort. She has a meditation which asks you to consider your physical sensations. I have a cold like everybody has right now and I’m tired like I always am. And the thing is, I feel woozy and headachy which is bad enough, but what I also do is assign a ton of meaning to these feelings. I feel bad that I feel bad, but I feel worse about how I’m going to feel later- like later when I have to concentrate, or when I have to be enthusiastic about stuff in front of students or tomorrow when I have to work another full day or on the weekend when I’m supposed to be doing another set of things I have to do. I start to resent all the stuff I have to do when I’m sick and just want to lay down for a month… So this physical discomfort I have is made 1000x more powerful by all the thoughts and emotions that I attach to it.  She’s given me a tool to interrupt that thought process.

And perhaps you have a cold and are making it 1000x worse like me. So listen to this meditation I’m linking to again. For free! You don’t need to suffer more as a result of your suffering. So stop it. You’re being silly.